


Terrible Things

by gingerpolyglot



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Heavy Angst, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-19 08:55:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8198971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerpolyglot/pseuds/gingerpolyglot
Summary: Like most terrible things that have happened to Emma Swan, she gets the news that she's dying on a perfectly sunny Thursday afternoon.Inspired by this otpdisaster prompt





	1. Emma

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a combination of [this](http://otpdisaster.tumblr.com/post/104209637385/person-b-learning-that-they-have-an-illness-that) otpdisaster prompt, [Terrible Things](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnPKBwO4-P8) by Mayday Parade, and IceCube44's [Never Say Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7960138/chapters/18205486)
> 
> Shoutout to my roommate for listening to me talk about this nonstop

Like most terrible things that have happened to Emma Swan, she gets the news that she's dying on a perfectly sunny Thursday afternoon. It figures, really - her life has taught her that nothing good that happens to her ever lasts, and she's been too happy the past few months for it not to come crashing down around her. Her second thought - after her fleeting acknowledgment of the depressing consistency of her life - is of her son. For the millionth time she hopes he is okay and that he is loved, but this time she is also thankful that he won't have to lose his mother. He'd be twelve now - too young to mourn properly but old enough to remember her living and old enough to remember her dying. It is this last thought that brings her to the third thing she considers as she sits silently in the doctor's office: Killian. 

Killian, who’d pressed her tight to his chest one night a few months ago, eyes red as he told her how he'd held everyone he'd ever loved as they died. Killian, who would torture himself, would watch her wither away and relive all of his past hurts just to be there for her. Killian, who would never be able to recover from this final blow to his heart. Killian, with whom she had finally allowed herself to paint a tentative picture of the future, a future that included him and of which she had been terrified but cautiously excited. Terrified, because nothing good ever lasts. And back to the start: she is dying.

The doctor is staring at her expectantly, no doubt sure she knows all the thoughts running through Emma's head and waiting for her to start screaming or sobbing. It won't happen, because Emma Swan has long since learned how to deal with her life being turned upside down and anger doesn't help and crying just gives her a headache. So she takes a deep breath, forces herself to focus solely on the present, and asks all the questions she can think of.

Later, safely ensconced in her Bug, she lets herself have a moment to break down. She clutches the steering wheel tight, knuckles going white as she purses her lips and bites the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming. Closing her eyes, she clenches her teeth before consciously and deliberately exhaling and forcing her muscles to relax. Only then does she shift gears and pull out of the parking lot of the hospital. 

Naturally, once she's halfway back to her apartment she realizes she was supposed to have dinner at Killian's tonight. As she wonders how the hell she's going to tell him it occurs to her that she doesn't have to. She can spare herself that conversation, spare him the pain of watching her die, and give him a chance to move on. It feels like there's a hand around her heart slowly squeezing it to dust, but she shakes off the feeling and drives on, using the extra time to convince herself of her course of action. She tells herself she's not running, that it's for Killian's benefit. For all that Emma can spot a falsehood from a mile away, she is remarkably bad at lying (especially to herself).

She pulls up in front of his building and parks, hesitating as she gets out of the car before grabbing her red leather jacket with a grimace. She shrugs it on as she steels herself for the conversation ahead. Killian opens the door almost immediately, a grin lighting up his face as he takes her in. "Swan," he greets, and the invisible hand squeezes her heart again. The urge to shed her armor and fall into his embrace is almost unbearable but she reminds herself of the way he could barely get the words out to tell her about his mother and Liam and Milah and her resolve strengthens.

She follows him slowly into the apartment, pausing to memorize the scene in front of her: the nautical themed decorations that she'd always needled him about, the black leather jacket slung over the back of a chair, and the man himself with shirtsleeves rolled up, far too many buttons undone and hair falling just so into blue, blue eyes, moving about the kitchen as he brings out a bottle of wine. She wants to tease him, ask where his rum went, but the words get stuck in her throat. 

He looks up at her still standing just inside the door and frowns. He always could read her too well - like an open book, he'd said - and he knows immediately something is wrong. "Emma?" he asks, and oh god he only uses her first name when it's serious. She takes one last minute to bask in him looking at her with love in his eyes. She wants to remember him as the man who loves her before she ruins the best thing that has ever happened to her. Finally she opens her mouth and everything she'd never wanted to say to him comes pouring out. 

"Killian, I-I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore." She can tell the exact moment he figures out what she means, watches as his expression goes from concerned to devastated in the blink of an eye. "Emma, love, what happened? What's going on?" his voice is hoarse and there are tears pooling in her eyes but she tries to will them away. "That future we talked about, it's a beautiful future Killian," she chokes out.

"So what's the problem?" he demands, his gaze becoming glassy with tears of his own. "It's not for me," she says softly. He shakes his head, mouthing denials. He steps closer and she aches to fly into his arms. She wants to apologize over and over for causing him pain. She wants to beg forgiveness for not being able to give him that future. "That's bullshit, Swan. What's really going on?" She blinks and her tears spill down her cheeks. Killian makes a move as if to wipe them away but stops himself and her heart splinters further. "Killian, you deserve someone you can have a future with."

"You're the only one I want a future with, Emma! I love you," he says raggedly, and she has to close her eyes against the look on his face, his words reverberating around her skull like an echo in a cave. He loves her and she's breaking him. She hates herself just a little more for destroying the one person who'd ever loved her unconditionally. She opens her eyes again to see he's crying openly now, prosthetic hand reaching toward her.

She crosses her arms and hunches her shoulders, trying desperately to keep herself together long enough to get out of his apartment. She hopes he won't touch her; she knows she won't be able to follow through if he does. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she says, the last word more of a sob. She turns and flees the apartment, leaving Killian standing shattered in the middle of his living room, hand still outstretched. 

She makes it out the door and down the hall before her legs give out, from her sobs or the weakness caused by the cancer ravaging her body she isn't sure. She thinks she hears a sound from Killian's apartment and forces herself to get up and walk down the stairs to the Bug so he doesn't come out to find her falling apart in the hallway. 

She doesn't know how she makes it home. Time seems to slow down until she blinks awake and realizes she'd fallen asleep on her couch at some point, one of Killian's sweatshirts crushed to her chest. She breathes in the comforting scent of Killian (of home, if she's being really honest) (there's no reason not to be anymore) and it sets off a new wave of tears. Eventually she gets up and goes to shower, waiting for the numbness that had always accompanied the traumatic upheavals in her past to set in.

It doesn't come.


	2. Killian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long - this chapter just didn't want to work with me. There may be a part three coming, I haven't quite decided yet.

Like most wonderful things that have happened to Killian Jones, it all comes crashing down on him just as he's allowing himself to relax and enjoy being with the woman he loves. It figures, really - everyone he's ever loved has left him one way or another, and Emma Swan is too good to stay with someone as damaged as he is. He spares a fleeting thought for David, Emma's brother, and mourns the loss of the close friendship he'd formed with the man who reminded him so much of Liam.

Emma comes over for dinner on a lovely Thursday evening but she's skittish. When she tells him it's over he feels his world (and his heart) grind to a halt. He stands still as a statue, trying to reach out to her but frozen in place. He knows there are tears coursing down his face but he pays them no mind. He doesn't move until the door closes behind his love and the finality of it hits him in the chest. The shock reverberates through his body, traveling down to his hand and causing him to lose his grip on the bottle of wine he'd brought out of the kitchen. It shatters on the floor, and were he capable of thought he'd have found it a fitting metaphor.

Eventually the daze wears off. As he does his best to clean up the glass and spilled wine on his floor, he considers Emma's pronouncement more rationally. He knows she has walls and that she runs when she's scared, but she hadn't seemed like she was running. Emma Swan hiding behind her walls is cold and almost cruel, masking her fear and pain with sarcasm and sharply barbed words. She does not cry. Something else is going on - this looks too much like heartbreak. 

He resolves to give her a day and then chase after her; he refuses to let her go without a fight. On Saturday and Sunday he sends a few texts and leaves a voicemail asking if she is alright and letting her know he is not going anywhere. As the days go by he gets increasingly desperate, even going so far as to go to her apartment and stand outside the door begging her to tell him what's wrong. When he gets no response he thinks maybe she's not home, but he says "I love you" as he leaves and hears a poorly muffled sob that feels like a sword to the gut. 

After that he stops trying to call her and resorts to his tried and true method of dealing with heartbreak. He dives headfirst into a bottle of rum and stays there for a while; a few weeks pass. He's more or less climbed out of the alcohol-filled hole he'd dug himself (one drunken bar fight with Will Scarlet is enough, thanks) when he is interrupted from his dinner by someone pounding on his door.

He opens the door, surprised to see David standing on the other side looking livid. "Where the hell have you been, Jones?" David thunders, barging past him into the apartment. "What are you talking about, mate?" Killian asks as he closes the door and follows him. David snarls - actually snarls at him - and Killian takes an involuntary step back. "Emma," he spits, and Killian flinches. "What about her?" Killian responds, going for nonchalant and failing spectacularly. "You should have been glued to her side today, and you were nowhere to be found. I've been restraining myself the past few weeks, I really have, but I'm done. So. Where. Were. You?" he growls.

"Emma doesn't want me anywhere near her," Killian replies bitterly. "Bullshit," David shoots back, still furious. "Of course she does."  
"No, she really doesn't, she made that quite clear," he replies with a grimace. "What are you talking about?" David demands, still angry but marginally less aggressive. Killian furrows his brow. "She didn't tell you?" he asks. "Tell me what?" David prompts testily. "She ended things between us weeks ago," Killian says, forcing his voice to remain level.

David looks stunned. "No, she never said anything. Just kept making excuses for you whenever we asked where you were - wait. A month ago?" David inquires. "Yeah, give or take a week or two." Something flashes across David's face too quickly for Killian to decipher it. "What did she say?" he asks urgently. "What?" Killian asks, clearly confused. "When she broke up with you," David clarifies. "What exactly did she say?" He's looking at Killian intently, like there's only one piece missing from a puzzle he's been trying to solve for weeks (perhaps there is).

"She just said I deserved someone I could have a future with," he murmurs. David closes his eyes. All of the remaining anger drains out of him, and he runs a hand over his face, leaving it over his eyes. He suddenly seems twice his age. "Oh, Emma," he intones softly.

"What's going on, Dave?" Killian asks, befuddled by his friend's behavior. "She didn't tell you, of course she didn't tell you," David says, almost to himself. "Tell me what? What's going on with Emma?" he asks, fear gnawing at him. David looks at him, sympathy written all over his face. "She's - she's sick, Killian." 

Killian's ears are ringing. He's vaguely aware of David speaking to him but all he can hear is Emma's voiced choked with tears telling him their future wasn't for her. "I need to see her," he states firmly, cutting the other man off mid-sentence. David looks him over for a minute, evaluating, then nods. Killian grabs his keys and they exit the apartment together. 

The car ride is silent. Killian's mind is stuck on a loop, repeating David's words and his sister's over and over until they overlap. Still, a small part of him rejoices - maybe Emma still loves him; maybe there is still hope for a happy ending. After a while Killian realizes they are not going to Emma's apartment or even the loft David shares with his wife. "Dave?" he asks, voice wavering. David glances at him out of the corner of his eye and grimaces. "It's bad, Killian," he says quietly. 

Killian takes in the lines of tension around David's mouth, the stiff set of his shoulders and the exhaustion evident in the bags under his eyes, and feels his fear turn into dread. They arrive at a hospital. Killian drifts after David through the maze of hallways. He hates hospitals but he's barely conscious of his surroundings. The fluorescent lights that normally fill him with unease don't even register - he's consumed with thoughts of Emma. 

They arrive at a semi-private room where a nurse is exiting, clipboard in hand. He looks up at them and greets David with a small smile. "How is she, Rory?" David asks. The nurse - Rory, apparently - sighs. "She's okay. We offered her something for the pain but she wouldn't take it." Killian resists the urge to smile - that was his Swan, stubborn to the core. "She's sleeping now but you're welcome to sit with her," the nurse says as he moves off. 

Killian takes a deep breath to steady himself before gently pushing open the door. He scans the room and his eyes land on the figure curled in a ball on the bed nearest the door. Her blond hair is limp and dull, spread out on her pillow. His knees threaten to buckle at the sight but he catches himself on the door handle. He makes his way to her on unsteady legs. His heart clenches when he can see her properly. Her face is pale and drawn, eyebrows knit together even in sleep. Killian reaches out a tentative hand to smooth away the furrow and gives a watery smile when she sighs and turns into his hand. "She didn't tell us either," David says softly from his place by the door. "We only found out because I'm her emergency contact and they needed someone to send her home with after the first round of chemo," he continues, his eyes never leaving his sister.

Killian's heart stutters at the word "chemo" but he's distracted when Emma makes a soft noise of distress in her sleep. He doesn't think twice before climbing into the narrow bed. He lifts Emma to resettle her against his chest, wincing at how thin she is. He wraps his arms around her gingerly, terrified of hurting her but needing to hold her close. She relaxes against him, her ear pressed over his heart, and despite everything something eases in him at having her in his arms again. He lifts his head to see David watching them. Killian feels the tips of his ears go red but he holds the other man's gaze. David nods once and leaves, closing the door behind him. 

Alone, Killian finally lets go of the tenuous grip he'd had on his emotions. He chokes out a sob and presses his lips to the top of Emma's head, tears dripping off his chin and into her hair. He breathes in and can just detect the familiar smell of her shampoo under the stale hospital air that clings to everything in the building. He does his best to keep quiet, loath to wake the woman in his arms, and he mostly succeeds, though he can't help the shaking of his shoulders. After a while his breathing evens out and he refocuses his attention on Emma, who has curled tighter into him. She makes another noise of pain and he gently rubs her back, eventually lulling both of them to sleep.


	3. Emma and Killian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost a full year after I first published this, Part III

Killian wakes a few hours later. Disoriented, he doesn't recognize the bed he's in or the unfamiliar room. It's not until Emma shifts in his arms that it all comes back to him - David, the hospital, Emma so pale and thin in bed. He kisses her head and closes his eyes, intending to go back to sleep. Emma burrows closer into him which makes his heart flutter, but then she stiffens and shifts to look up at him.

"Killian?" she asks, staring at him in confusion. He smiles softly at her. "Hello, love." Emma's face falls and Killian feels the doubt creep in. Maybe it wasn't just the illness. Maybe she really didn't want to be with him.

Emma wakes up surprisingly warm and comfortable given that she's in a hospital bed. She burrows back into her pillow, intending to go back to sleep and almost jumps out of her skin when the bed shifts underneath her. She sits straight up and turns to see Kilian, arms slightly outstretched as if to pull her back to his chest, which she had mistaken for a pillow. She stares at him wide-eyed, unsure of what to say. She never wanted him to know, and certainly not like this. He gives her a small, pained smile and lowers his arms. She takes a minute to observe him and gather her thoughts. She has no idea what he is doing here, much less looking at her like that - like she hadn't shattered his heart and stomped on the pieces (she had heard him begging her to talk to him through her apartment door, and had barely been able to restrain herself from throwing it opening and explaining everything). 

He lets her take her time, not saying anything. He looks like hell, she thinks absently, taking in the longer-than-usual scruff on his cheeks, the bruises under his eyes, and the hair flopping in his face. She imagines she doesn't look much better, but, well. She kind of thinks dying gives her an excuse.

"What are you doing here? How did you know I was here?" she finally asks. "David," he responds. "I was quite surprised when he barged into my apartment demanding to know where I'd been these last weeks." She looks at her hands. She should have known her adoptive brother would stop taking her excuses for Killian's absences and take matters into his own hands. He was rather protective of her, after all. 

"Emma," Killian murmurs, dragging her out of her thoughts. "Why didn't you tell me?" She sighs and looks at him. He's watching her closely, but there was still nothing accusatory in his gaze. She supposes now that he's here she owes him an explanation.

"I couldn't do that to you," she says. He furrows his brow and frowns, evidently confused. 

"Were you afraid? That I'd leave?" He's heartbroken and almost a little insulted - he knows exactly why Emma's walls are so high and he understands, but he spent so much time trying to convince her that he wouldn't leave. For all that, he knows her insecurities still surface sometimes. Maybe her fear got the better of her?

"I-I wasn't afraid," she replies. "I knew you'd stay, to the end if you had to, and that was the problem." She's definitely lost him - if she knew he'd stay then why-? "I don't understand."

"You had just told me about losing Liam and Milah and your mother. How could I have told you I'm dying too?" she asks, raising her voice at the end.

He flinches at her words, and she averts her eyes. He doesn't respond, taking time to think. It takes him a few moments to process what she tells him. When he does, it dawns on him what she was trying to do, and his heart breaks all over again. Suddenly David's abrupt change in demeanor back at his apartment makes sense. She was sick and still trying to save him more heartache. Her reasoning follows a twisted sort of logic, barring the fact that he loves her more than life itself and would happily stay by her side even as it killed him just to bring her some measure of comfort. 

He knows he should respond to this revelation. "I've missed you," he tells her instead.

She quirks her lips into something that's almost a smile. "Me too. There were so many times I wanted you with me," she admits.

"So why didn't you call? You have to know I'd have come, regardless of, um, us." He still can't quite bring himself to call it a breakup.

"I didn't want to make you see me like this," she explains with a brief gesture of her hand. "I guess, I thought if I broke your heart you'd hate me and if you heard about it later it wouldn't hurt as much."

"Oh, Emma." He embraces her tightly, and presses his lips to the crown of her head. "It would have killed me either way, love."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Killian. I was trying so hard to protect you and I hurt you anyway." He holds her tighter, brushing a tear off her cheek with the side of his thumb. "It's okay, love. I could tell something was wrong, but I hoped you'd tell me eventually. I-I stopped by your apartment a few times." 

Emma grimaces. "I heard you. I thought if you thought I was ignoring you, you'd start to move on sooner." She shrugs helplessly. "Obviously, it wasn't my best idea." She tangles his fingers with hers and brings them to her lips before resettling herself against his chest. She takes a deep breath. "I love you, Killian," she whispers into his shoulder. 

He exhales heavily. Finally, finally, the last of his doubt slips away. She was never big on words to begin with, but to hear them now soothes the last few ragged pieces of his heart that had already started to heal from holding her in his arms and hearing her explanations.She loves him. That's what matters. 

"I love you, Emma," he tells her firmly, squeezing the hand wrapped around his own. "And I'll never leave you. You face an uncertain future, but I want you to be certain of one thing: I will always, always be by your side, for as long as you'll let me. Yes, it hurts me to see you like this, because I hate that you're in pain. But I want to help you, however I can. And if you don't want to hurt me further, you have to promise me something."

"What's that?" she asks.

"You have to fight this. Don't give up, and please, let me help." He can't bear the idea of her just giving up and withering away. His Emma is strong and a fighter and he refuses to let her slip passively away.

"I think I can do that. But you have to promise me something too," she responds.

"Anything, love."

"If I die-"

"Emma!" he interrupts, aghast.

"No, it's a real possibility. If I die, you have to promise to move on. Find someone new."

"Emma..." he repeats, face twisted in anguish. He doesn't want to think about a world without her in it.

"Promise me, Killian. I promise you, I'll fight, I'll try to survive, but I need to know you'll be okay if I don't make it."

He doesn't answer immediately, taking in her serious expression. He wants to protest, but he can tell she won't budge. Finally he sighs, giving in. "Aye, love. I'll try."

"Thank you."

"For now, just let me hold you?" he asks hopefully. She smiles at him properly this time, and the sight takes his breath away. "Yeah. You're a good pillow," she adds, ribbing him slightly. He chuckles weakly. "Anything for you, Swan." He means it to come out lighthearted and probably misses the mark, but he can feel her smiling into his chest and that's enough. He wraps his arms around her more securely and tucks her under his chin. 

They stay like that for a time, and it is how David finds them when he returns a little while later with a bag of clean clothes for Emma. Killian helps her get dressed while David waits outside.

"Do-do you want to come home with me?" he asks, hesitant again. She smiles at him. "I'd like that."

Killian helps her into the car and closes the door, turning to see David watching him. "I told you, I'd do anything for her." David nods.

"Yeah, I know. Thank you, Killian."

"For what?"

"For convincing her to fight. Thank you."

Killian nods, throat closing at the thought of Emma just giving up. "Of course, mate." He gets into the car and kisses Emma's hand while David gets into the driver's seat. Emma smiles at him and shifts to rest her head on his shoulder. He squeezes her hand as David pulls out of the parking lot. They know there's a long road ahead of them but at least they'll face it together.


End file.
